The Pickpocket

Boys and men, clad in orange,

Were dancing to the dhol.

One man, dressed in black

Soon joined the procession.

They did some bhangra, they did some bollywood,

And then they danced some more,

In the name of God, they did all,

Their hands and feet could do.

They decided to proceed, there was much to cover,

And the Lord should never wait.

So they moved on their road to God

Leaving the man in black behind.

For a while, he looked in their direction,

And then he turned around.

He was checking the contents, as he walked,

Of the wallet in his hand.

Chawla, Jadeja Behind English Victory

This is a work of fiction inspired from true facts. The intention is not to hurt, defame or demean any individual whosoever but only to create humour. The author is sorry for the undesired consequences.

England broke the dry spell after a series victory on Indian soil after 27 years. The ‘Payback’ series saw some spinning around of events. The English batsmen stood strong against the Indian spinners. The spin attack comprising of the likes of Harbhajan, Ojha and Ashwin did not make much of an impact after the first test. The English turners Panesar and Swann did better on Indian soil than the local boys.

What could be the reason for this? India had won the first test pretty comfortably. They could have easily won the series, maybe a clean sweep. But from the second test onwards the English knew how to turn the ball and how to play the turn. It was like a magic wand went swoosh and they knew it all, or maybe someone taught them. Ravindra Jadeja and Piyush Chawla, who led the Indian bowling in the last test, taught the English how to play spin. Why? To earn a spot in the team. Had Singh, Ojha and Ashwin had performed well throughout the series, Jadeja and Chawla would not even be considered for the next series.

The British used their favourite divide-and-rule policy yet again. Samit Patel talked his Gujarati brother Jadeja into it. Being a part time left arm spinner he was not the ultimate help that England needed. So Jadeja along with Panesar convinced Chawla to train them. The two Indians gave away tips and tricks of the home side. Here are a few of those:

Leave Sehwag to himself. Jo run shuru mein barsaate hain vo zyada nahi banaate hain.

Don’t bowl close to the stumps to Gambhir. Leave him to dream about his newly-wed wife. In his daydream, he will leave the ones coming in too.

Sachin is already facing retirement pressures. We will not trouble him more by telling you the trick against him.

Kohli and Yuvraj are hot-headed men. They will not be able to resist just standing on the crease for long. *Jadeja wants to take their place in the team*

Dhoni does not score unless either it is performance based payment or there is news of him being sacked.

Pujara is new. We don’t have much against him to tell you.

Beware of Ashwin. He will do better than half the batsmen. The only way is to keep the wickets going on the other end.

When batting, guard your stumps for a while and Dhoni will think it’s a T20 game because that’s how he plays it.

With these tips the two boys finally managed a spot in the national side. Jadeja could not carry his Ranji performance here and missed a triple century by 288 runs. Chawla impressed but we still lost. BCCI on getting this news introduces Parwinder Awana and brings back the still not decoded Rahane and Dinda in the T20 side. Their decision to continue with the self-destructor Sharma still brings questions.

Meanwhile Sakshi accepts hand behind Dhoni sack talks. Sakshi when contacted said, “When he does not get off his bikes, I get the maids and servants to talk about me thinking of changing husband. The trick worked here too. Men will be men.”

Letter to Kasab

Date: November 22, 2012.

Dear Kasab,

Yesterday morning I was informed that you are no more. I was shocked. Not over your death. Don’t flatter yourself. You are very much hated in this country where you spent 5 years and 50 crores were spent on you. I was shocked because you were hanged in just 4 years and 360 days while Afzal Guru continues to live 10 years after parliamentary attacks, 6 years after the Supreme Court sentenced him.

You were born and brought up in a poor family in Faridkot, Pakistan. There are many stories about how you ended up with Lashkar-e-Taiba. Some say it was because of your poverty, some say it was your choice. Some others say your family was offered financial help in exchange. Whatever it was, you joined them and you attacked us. You tried to shake down a country diverse yet united. You tried to kill the spirit of a city which never sleeps. You tried. But then we are Indians. We come back all stronger. Taj Mahal Hotel is now open. People walk into CST fearlessly. We had a flash mob there last year by the way. People still spend their evenings in Leopold Cafe. In short, Mumbai is still wide awake. Disappointed eh?

I will tell you the real reason why I wrote this letter. The authorities are never going to answer this. But I expect an honest answer from you. Reports say you have been quite honest throughout the trials. Let’s keep that one good image going. Were you actually hanged? Or did you die of the deadly dengue?

I have my doubts and my reasons to doubt. One, Newspapers and news channels talked about your suffering from high fever suspected to be dengue. And the next thing I hear is you are dead. Obviously because I was not following the news but then I researched. Some newspapers claim that the dengue test proved negative. One says it did not.When it can kill Yash Raj, fir tu kya hai Kasab?

Two, the Indian government has never been so quick in hanging people. Never dude! It is surprising to see they were this time. Maybe because their ‘For Kasab’s life’ bank account just got empty. You wish they had got you one of those All Out things from that money, don’t you? Your petition plea is rejected. Letters were sent across borders and in a top secret Operation ‘X’ you were hanged and buried in Yerwada Jail, Pune at 7.30 AM. The government of my ‘high on morals’ country does not send your body back to your homeland saying Pakistan denied you were a Pakistani. Your parents never denied you were their son, did they? Your senior-in-crime Afzal Guru’s petition is still safe with the President after two years.

You died of dengue (popular belief) or you were hanged (Government record) is not something which matters now, the scapegoat is dead. The case is closed. Period.

Another question, what was your reaction when you were told that you were charged of walking into CST ‘heavily armed, to kill anyone and everyone you saw’ without a platform ticket? Are you kidding me? What was the government’s plan? To challan you for some 50-100 bucks. Maybe that is where the All Out money went. I rest my case.

I hope you make wiser decisions in your next life. I hope the world is a better place to live in by the time you come back. Wishing you all the very best for your future.

Written with hatred (for you) and love (for the mosquito),

By every person who thinks the same way as I do.